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joy is all there ever was
I have chosen this life for myself. I have made it. I now understand my own nature here. I know myself. In my journals I write words that mean nothing. I go to school, but they have taught me nothing I won’t lose. I look back on my life: I used to feel angry about certain things. There are times in my life I am not proud of. There are certain people I have hurt. I went through a lot of my life asking “why me?” When looking at the pieces all seems painful. I would like to regret.
I must be more than I have been. I am more than I have been. Always evolving to new stages. And this place I have been in makes me feel like… all is well. There are certain people I have met that I call Fractions. These people feel like they are two different people inside. They live a divided life. They continue to struggle and feel pain. They are sometimes depressed. I used to be in fractions, but now am whole. And once I became whole I feel as if… as if I have always been whole. I suppose that is the nature of it. And so I do not regret. I look back on my life and recognize each moment as necessary in bringing me to this place I am in now. I remember like a vague memory the times I felt broken or when I felt in pieces. But they don’t seem real to me anymore. I have arrived in the place I could only dreamed of. I am now that which I could only imagine before.
I asked for wisdom and it was given to me. I asked for my mind to be opened and it was. I asked for love and found it. All I have ever asked for has been given to me. I understand my origin-nature. I feel complete. There was a version of “me” I used to hope to become. Parts of myself I wished to change. I have arrived! And its been some time now that to me it feels an eternity. Once I became whole even my past became whole. It all makes sense in the awakening. I am now that which I could only dream of becoming.
Before all I saw were pieces and it was all I knew. Once arriving here and seeing the moments of my past and how they all fit together I realize the whole picture. It wasn’t until I saw the whole picture that I understood. Now, after seeing the whole picture, in my mind it all makes sense. So looking back at the individual moments and events in my life, I understand them. I’ve learned to love them, and in effect, love who I am. To love who I have become.
There is no longer pain. There is no more suffering. There is only joy! Yesterday I would not have thought so, but today I realize… Joy is all there ever was.
